A cowboy was riding home when he saw a rattlesnake in the road. So he pulls out his gun and takes aim. Then the snake says "Don't shoot I'm a magic snake". So the cowboy waits. The snake says "If you don't shoot I'll grant you 3 wishes. So the cowboy agrees. "whats your first wish" Says the snake. The cowboy "Well I have a spread up the trail but I don't have a house or barn" So the snake says "OK all done" The cowboy says "I would like one of them perdee gals out of the Sears catalog to be my wife" "You got it" says the snake. And the last wish. The cowboy says "Hell I'd like to be hung like this horse" So the snake say "OK"

So as the cowboy is riding home he sees he has a brand new house with a barn and stables and all. Then he spots a beautiful gal walking towards him with a wedding dress on. So he jumps off his horse and pulls his pants down and says "Damn it, I was riding Nelly today".

__________________
When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Confucious

And just saying Hillary or Bush doesn't count as a joke.

__________________
When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Confucious

Little boy goes to store for mom to buy toilet paper. She told him before he left
to get the cheapest because they were short on cash.
So the manager sees him wandering up and down the aisles and says, "Can I help you, son?"
"Yeah, my mama sent me to buy toilet paper, but she didn't give me enough money, so I don't know whether to go home or what."
"I believe you will find some on our generic no-name brand aisle there."
"Thanks, mister!"
A few days later the little boy was in the store again. The manager recognized him and said hello and asked how he and his mother were getting along.
"Well, we thought of a name for your no-name brand toilet tissue."
"Oh, really?" the manager laughed. "What did you name it?"
"John Wayne."
"Ha-ha, why would you name your toilet paper John Wayne?"
"Cause my mama says it's rough and tough and don't take stuff off nobody!"

__________________


Give me Liberty! or give me marriage!

http://saltwn.blogspot.com/

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

__________________
When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Confucious

Sometimes I think a bed near the window would do just fine.

__________________


Give me Liberty! or give me marriage!

http://saltwn.blogspot.com/

Nick The DragonSlayer

Far far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts, but Nick the Dragon Slayer knew the penalty for this desire would be death should he try and touch them.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

A truly Happy Person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. And, one who can enjoy

browsing old cemeteries.. . Some fascinating things on old tombstones!



Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :

Born 1903--Died 1942.

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

============ ========= ========

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.

============ ========= ========

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia :

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.

============ ========= ========

In a London , England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

============ ========= ========

In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:

Anna Wallace

The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.

Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

============ ========= ========= =

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast... Pardon me for not rising.

============ ========= ========= =

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

============ ========= =========

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.

============ ========= ========= ==

A lawyer's epitaph in England :

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer,

and that is Strange.

============ ========= ========= ===

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,

Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

============ ========= ========= ====

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :

On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

============ ========= ========= ====

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :

Here lies the body of our Anna,

Done to death by a banana.

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

============ ========= ========= ====

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :

Under the sod and under the trees,

Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.

He is not here, there's only the pod.

Pease shelled out and went to God.

__________________
"Destiny must be shaped and not left to mere chance"..Spencer Collins

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

__________________
When you know a thing, to hold that you know it; and when you do not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it - this is knowledge. Confucious

What do the Starship Enterprise and a roll of Charmin have in common?

They both orbit Uranus and wipe out Klingons.

__________________

For people unfamiliar with the Pillsbury Doughboy, he is an animated character used by the Pillsbury company over the last few decades to advertise their bisquit, cake and other products for home baking.



SAD NEWS

It is with heavy heart that I must pass on the following news.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the Entertainment
community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much
Of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still,
as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly father, Pop Tart

_________________________

One day Mrs. Murphy went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Father," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the priest. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Murphy is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Murphy dozed off. Noticing
this, the priest put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Murphy.

"Jesus!", Paddy Murphy cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Murphy," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Murphy nodded off again. Again, the priest noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Murphy.

"God!" Mr. Murphy cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the priest, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Murphy again winked off. However, this time the priest did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Murphy mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The priest asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Murphy poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.