A pirate walks in to a bar and the bartender looks up and says "I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? you look terrible". "What do you mean? I feel fine".

Bartender "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before"

Pirate "Well we were in a battle and I was struck by a cannonball. But I'm fine now"

Bartender "Well, OK what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

Pirate "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got in to a sword fight. My hand got cut off but they fitted me with this hook. But I'm fine really"

Bartender "Well, What about that eye patch?"

Pirate " Oh, Well one day we were out at sea and a large flock off seagulls flew over head, When I looked up to see and one of them crapped in my eye"

Bartender "Your kidding, You lost your eye to bird crap?"

Pirate "It was my first day with the hook"

__________________
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture

Who's Phone Is This

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked"

How much?"

WOMAN: "$110,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with "all" the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand, if it's really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?...."

A man and his wife are in a restaurant, a beautiful young woman walks by and says "hi" to the man.
The wife asks "Who was that?"
The man says "Well, I won't lie to you, that's my mistress"
The woman says "I want a divorce!"
The man says, "well, if we get divorced we'll have to sell the house, and our cottage on the cape, and I don't think we'll be able to afford the Mercedes"
There is silence until dessert...............
The woman asks "Who's that woman over there eating with George?"
the man looks over and says "That's George's mistress"
The woman pauses, then says "Our's is much prettier"

__________________
"Destiny must be shaped and not left to mere chance."..Spencer Collins ..

Murphy's Other Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

__________________
"Destiny must be shaped and not left to mere chance."..Spencer Collins ..

Political Science for Dummies


DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows..
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

__________________
"Destiny must be shaped and not left to mere chance."..Spencer Collins ..

I have to tell you that I have never seen a better use for
duct tape in my life.
Makes you want to require everyone to carry a roll for emergencies.

DUCT TAPE USE #317

__________________
Jesus Was A Liberal

If a certain course of action makes the mouth-breathers furious, then that’s a good policy. – The Practical Environmentalist

A Woman, Calling A Local Hospital, Said, "hello, I'd Like To Talk To The Person Who Gives The Information Regarding Your Patients.
I'd Like To Find Out If The Patient Is Getting Better, Doing As Expected Or Is Getting Worse."
The Voice On The Other End Of The Line Said,
"what Is The Patients Name And Room Number?"
She Said, "sara Finkle, In Room 302."
"i Will Connect You With The Nursing Station."
"3-a Nursing Station. How Can I Help You?"
"i Would Like To Know The Condition Of Sara Finkle In Room 302."
"just A Moment. Let Me Look At Her Records.
Oh Yes, Mrs. Finkle Is Doing Very Well. In Fact She's Had Two Full Meals,
Her Blood Pressure Is Fine
And Her Blood Work Just Came Back As Normal. She's Going To Be Taken Off The Heart Monitor In A Couple Of Hours And If She Continues This Improvement. Dr. Cohen Is Going To Send Her Home Tuesday At Twelve O' Clock."
The Woman Said," Thank God!
That's Wonderful"
Oh! That's Fantastic.
That's Wonderful News! "
The Nurse Said," From Your Enthusiasm, I Take It You Must Be A Close Family Member Or A Very Close Friend!"


"not Exactly, I Am Sarah Finkel In Room 302!
And Nobody Here Tells Me Anything!"

I work in the automotive field and there has been too much work from USA and Canada being shipped out to other countries for cheaper labor. Well there is alot of stress for those of us working in the auto industry, always worrying if we will have a job tomorrow. Being so concerned and stressed I reached a point of confusion and desperation. I was so depressed last night, I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'


The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'


The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'


The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'


But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart,


no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

__________________
"Destiny must be shaped and not left to mere chance."..Spencer Collins ..