Mexican Prayer

Pedro Was Driving Down The Street In A Sweat Because He Had An Important Meeting And Couldn't Find A Parking Place.
Looking Up Toward Heaven, He Said "lord, Take Pity On Me. If You Find Me A Parking Place I Will Go To Mass Every Sunday For The Rest Of My Life And Give Up Tequila."

Miraculously, A Parking Place Appeared.
Pedro Looked Up Again And Said,
"never Mind. I Found One."

__________________
"Destiny must be shaped and not left to mere chance."..Spencer Collins

Niiiiice...

I take pride in that I've heard about 90% of all jokes, yet that one is new to me...

__________________
"You get the respect that you give" - cnredd

A guy walks into the bar with jumper cables...

The bartender says "Hey pal...You better not start anything!"...

__________________
"You get the respect that you give" - cnredd

The Divorce Letter=


Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.

I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show
for it. These last two weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that
was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a
new
hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight
to
sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me
anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're
cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm
gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man
is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because
they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that
doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the
first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' but my
mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I
turned
away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price
tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my
sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ... And
your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and
felt that we could work it out.

So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars,
I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got
home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed

Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was
born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

Dear Airlines,

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them
in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and
get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every
businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked
women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that they could
charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the
tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
seeing naked women. So, hijackings would come to a
screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This
is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
everything myself?

Sincerely, Bill Clinton

__________________
"Destiny must be shaped and not left to mere chance."..Spencer Collins

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

My cousin sent me this in an email. I tried to verify its authenticity, but kept tracing it to blogs, although it looks like it was at least quoted in an Austin newspaper:


Letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble. PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you freaking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull crap. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

__________________


________________________________________
Salty

THANKSGIVING MENUS AND TIPS

A GREAT PLACE TO SHOP

This was written by someone definitely going through her time of the month...

__________________
"You get the respect that you give" - cnredd

At the risk of wasting words-
Duh!

__________________


________________________________________
Salty

THANKSGIVING MENUS AND TIPS

A GREAT PLACE TO SHOP

What can I say?...

I've had a long day...

__________________
"You get the respect that you give" - cnredd