Get ready...here comes the fastest joke in the world...




A baby seal walks into a club...

__________________
"You get the respect that you give" - cnredd

That's just wrong...

__________________


________________________________________
Salty

THANKSGIVING MENUS AND TIPS

A GREAT PLACE TO SHOP

What did the fish say when it ran into a wall?


Dam

__________________
"Most people can't think, most of the remainder won't think, the small fraction who do think mostly can't do it very well. The extremely tiny fraction who think regularly, accurately, creatively and without self delusion---In the long run these are the only people that count."Robert Heinlein

A Polish guy, a Puerto Rican, a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar...

The bartender looks up and says, "What's this?...Some kind of joke?"

__________________
"You get the respect that you give" - cnredd

Fresh from her bath, she stood before the mirror, drying her hair with the towel, and said to her husband, who was in the living room reading the paper, that her breasts were too small, and waited for his usual comforting words that her breasts were just perfect.

But this time the words were not forthcoming.

Instead, he told her "Why don't you take some o' that poopaper and rub it between yer breasts?"

She looked over at the roll of toilet paper. Willing to try anything, she unrolled some of the paper, and stood before the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.

"Oh, a coupla times a day and they'll get bigger over time" he replies.

She was rubbing away, and asked: "How do you know this'll work?"

He said: "Werked fer yer ass didnit?"




He survived, and with extensive therapy, may even walk again.

What did the zero say to the eight?


Nice belt.

__________________
"Most people can't think, most of the remainder won't think, the small fraction who do think mostly can't do it very well. The extremely tiny fraction who think regularly, accurately, creatively and without self delusion---In the long run these are the only people that count."Robert Heinlein

Holy Toledo...

__________________
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

__________________
"Destiny must be shaped and not left to mere chance."..Spencer Collins