I don't know about this joke but here goes

I was traveling between home and work when a tire blew out.

Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.

My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the
next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the
window, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.

"Republican," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same
question.

Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican."

The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my
strategy,since this area seemed to be overly political and there
appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.

She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

"Democrat!", I shouted.

"Hop in!", replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman
in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect
breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up
her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I
jumped out.

"What's the matter?", she asked

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for
five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

Good one Mikeyy!

I'll share some of mine over the next few days before I go back...as long as you don't mind a military flavour!

Three dogs were lying on the floor of the vet’s office waiting to see the vet.

The First dog said "can you believe it all I did was growl at my master and show my teeth after he had me running around like a fool chasing sticks and now he’s going to get me put down"

The second dog says "it’s the same with me I was sitting in front of the fire when the kids came home from school...they were all over me pulling my tail and jumping on me all I did was growl and show my teeth and now its the needle for me as well".

"How about you" they asked the third dog....
He replied “well I was wrapped around the toilet keeping cool when the mistress got out of the shower; she bent over to dry her legs
And I thought mmmmm I'm going to have some of that, let me tell you it was out of this world the best I’ve ever had...

The two dogs looked at him amazed "and you're surprised that she is giving you the needle for that" they asked.

"Oh I'm not here for the needle the third dog" replies” I'm only here to get my claws clipped".

The Commanding Officer of a well known Regiment was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure'?

The CO's ADC chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A young Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, which could vary depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no concensus, the CO turned to the Regimental Sergeant Major who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?

With no hesitation the RSM responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure"

The Colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well Sir," began the RSM, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

A squad of Marines was driving up the highway between Basra and Baghdad. They came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway. Coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi solder."

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable piece of shit, and he yelled back, 'Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld are miserable pieces of shit.'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

Sick Sick Sick. Funny Funny Funny

You commenting or judging? lol

Question and answer jokes
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What�s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

A business man operating a store in a small town in Maine received an invoice for two month's supply of merchandise. Knowing that his clerk was a graduate of the University of Maine, he called her into his office and asked her, If I gave you $20,000 minus 14% how much would you take off. She looked at him for a moment and said, everything but my earrings!

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a
pint of goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping
through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though," mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son, Khalid. He's 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly
hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too," says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me " says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's
18," she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
started school."

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and says..

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

I loved this one Lancer... Be safe and come back in Oct., healthy and better for serving your country. I shall pray for you and the others there bro.