LoooL first time I saw it saltwn, thanks. Makes my point about education.

Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

For our (guest included) parents with daughters. I pray none of you get this letter.

A parent's terrors of life
Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,
Dorothy

Have your sound on. NEW BUSH COINS (Change For The Better)

Gotta hand it to you, lurpy; that was pretty funny. I don't care who you are!

__________________
Consumption is indeed important in a free economy: particularly the freedom of consumers to buy their goods in unhampered markets. However, key to long-term economic growth is investment (savings), which is the opposite of consumption. Public policies that promote consumption — such as low interest rates — do so at the expense of savings. Less savings means less investments; an economy that does not save or invest will consume all of its resources and eventually end up bankrupt.-David Saied

Murphy's mothers laws

Mothers only offer advice on two occasions: when you want it and when you don't..
A mother's love is a better cure than chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
Your mother is the only person that knows more about you than you know about yourself.
Any time you are unable to solve a problem, ask your mother. She probably won't know either, but she will fake it.
Maternal instinct is stronger than any force known except an IRS collection agent.
The more you try to stay on your mother's good side the harder it will be to figure out which side this is.
The nicer a mother is, the greater the probability that her kids are rotten.
If you can't remember whether or not you called your mother, you didn't.
The motherly advice you ignore will always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
If you forget, mom will remind you of all your mistakes so you don't repeat them.
Anything you do can be criticized by your mother - even doing nothing.
Never criticize your mother's cooking if you expect to get any more of it.
If you think you have any secrets from your mother, remember who has changed your diapers.
You can't "out mother" your mother. Don't even try.
Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
The harder you try to hide something from your mother, the more she resembles a web cam.
****
****

__________________
Consumption is indeed important in a free economy: particularly the freedom of consumers to buy their goods in unhampered markets. However, key to long-term economic growth is investment (savings), which is the opposite of consumption. Public policies that promote consumption — such as low interest rates — do so at the expense of savings. Less savings means less investments; an economy that does not save or invest will consume all of its resources and eventually end up bankrupt.-David Saied

saltwn, Quote: Gotta hand it to you, lurpy; that was pretty funny. I don't care who you are!End Quote, who am I? he, he, he.

Lightbulb joke collection 01
Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.

Note: None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and the hallway lamp is still out.)

Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.

Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a New York hotel who was a terrible person to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation. She was so nasty to her employees that she was known as the "Queen of Mean".)

Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.

Note: Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent bulb, so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep their crops covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would probably use fluorescent light rather than incandescent.

__________________
Consumption is indeed important in a free economy: particularly the freedom of consumers to buy their goods in unhampered markets. However, key to long-term economic growth is investment (savings), which is the opposite of consumption. Public policies that promote consumption — such as low interest rates — do so at the expense of savings. Less savings means less investments; an economy that does not save or invest will consume all of its resources and eventually end up bankrupt.-David Saied

> Boy, A Man, and A Donkey
>
> An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
>
>
> The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
>
> As they went along they passed some people
>
> Who remarked it was a shame the old man
>
> Was walking and the boy was riding.
>
>
>
> The man and boy thought maybe the critics were
> right,
>
> So they changed positions.>
>
>
> Then, later, they passed some people who
> remarked,
>
> 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
>
> So they then decided they'd both walk!
>
> Soon they passed some more people who thought
>
> They were stupid to walk when they had a
>
> Decent donkey to ride.
>
> So, they both rode the donkey.
>
>
> Now they passed some people
>
> Who shamed them by saying how awful to
>
> Put such a load on a poor donkey.
>
> The boy and man figured they were probably
> right,
>
> So they decide to carry the donkey.
>
> As they crossed the bridge,
>
> They lost their grip on the animal
>
> And he fell into the river and drowned.
>
> The moral of the story?
>
>
>
> If you try to please everyone,
>
> You might as well...
>
>
>
> Kiss your ass goodbye!
>

Comics - Explosm.net

My childhood has just been violated....

Interviewing crazy
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."