Wow!...

That's a keeper!...

__________________
"You get the respect that you give" - cnredd

A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can''t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey.

He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated.

As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ''''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have."

''''Anything?'''' he says, getting fairly excited.

''''Yes, anything.'''' she replies.

So he says, ''''Will you hold the donkey!?''''

__________________
"I decline to answer that question; it's too stupid"
--William F. Buckley, Jr.

Why Men 'Need' Post-It Notes

And gay men don't?...

This is just another blatant attempt to push the homosexual agenda by resorting to a callous portrayal of straight men...

__________________
"You get the respect that you give" - cnredd

A gay guy gets in a car accident...

He jumps out of the car and starts yelling at the other guy..."Hey!..That was your fault and I'm gonna sue you for everything you got!"...

The other guy gets out of his car, walks up to the gay guy, and says "Kiss my ass"....

The gay guy says, "Oh...I see you wanna settle out of court."...

__________________
"You get the respect that you give" - cnredd

Business one-liners 92
Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.

Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.

Only a mediocre person is always at their best.

Only them as knows their own...knows.

Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.

One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.

Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.

Why did the boy scout get kicked out?
He was caught eating a brownie!

__________________
"I decline to answer that question; it's too stupid"
--William F. Buckley, Jr.

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask for his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "It really works."

"Not a chance," says she. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"No problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra.' It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" he asked.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"I don't understand," said the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor! The sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

__________________
"I decline to answer that question; it's too stupid"
--William F. Buckley, Jr.

A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.


The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'."

The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm and they head down stairs.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell, Mom. I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

Mom slaps him -- Whack!

The older boy flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers. "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

__________________
"I decline to answer that question; it's too stupid"
--William F. Buckley, Jr.

Sometimes, life is stranger (and funnier) than fiction...

best of craigslist : the people at second cup are like so rude

To that girl who works at the Second Cup:

This has been eating me, it just really hurt my feelings and I need to get it off my chest okay? You were like, totally mean to me. I was talking to my bf alright? I like him better than you, I'd rather talk to him than you, so next time could you just wait for me to hang up? Really, the line behind me isn't that long. You didn't have to look so bitchy, I was almost done, I mean, I was holding up my finger, that usually means wait! But you just went on to that next guy, so, like, I hung up for nothing? Anyway when you finally got around to me it was like you didn't even want to take my order. I was nice, okay? I know what I want is complicated, so I said it real slow so understand. It's a grande vanilla latte with two and a half pumps of the SUGAR-FREE syrup. And skim milk. But I want it extra hot, okay? To like 182.5 degrees. And no foam, I don't like foam, it's too much like when I used to eat my bubble bath as a kid. And, you know, the least you could do is double cup it, you know? A latte that hot could hurt me, I have sensitive hands.

Maybe you should, like, memorize this so that next time when I come in you recognize me and you know what I want right away. Yeah, whatever, you serve hundreds of people every day blah blah blah. I'm the orange spray tanned one with a purse I could fit a Doberman in. Oh and I'm usually wearing Uggs, they're just so comfy and stylish, you know? You should totally try to learn your customers' orders, it makes us happy.

So anyway, when you finally got my order right I asked you for an apple baba, not so hard. My phone rang while you went to get a plate, it was really important so I took it. Anyway my bf was RIGHT in the middle of telling me how cute I am when you TOTALLY interrupted to take my money. Like, was I not obviously in the middle of something? You'd think you could take a hint, like, if you tell me my total and I don't answer you'd just wait like any polite person, but no, you like basically yelled it at me, it was so embarrassing. I wasn't about to hang up again, okay? You're not the only one that exists! So fine, I'll give you your stupid money, you're lucky I have exact change, even if I have to dig for it a bit in my enormous purse. I'm doing you a favor get over it.

But, like, it's hard to count change and talk on the phone at the same time, you know? Really, if I wasn't on the phone I could count like a normal person, but give me a sec, I'm multitasking, the people behind me get it, we've all had to before.

Tip? No, sorry, Daddy doesn't like me spending my allowance on things I don't need.

Anyway, you and your friend who makes the drinks were really bitchy. I was just asking her to make sure it was sugar-free, alright? Geez, you'd think I insulted your moms or something.

Have a nice day yourself. When I come back tomorrow to spend four hours on Facebook I'm totally not going to be as nice as I was today.