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Old 07-04-2014, 10:32 AM
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Old 07-05-2014, 08:39 PM
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Old 07-06-2014, 01:13 AM
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Old 07-12-2014, 02:16 PM
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Old 07-14-2014, 08:50 PM
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rofl

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Old 07-15-2014, 05:50 PM
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Hope is the dream of the waking man.
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For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease.
Job 14:6-8
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Old 07-15-2014, 05:51 PM
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Hope is the dream of the waking man.
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For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease.
Job 14:6-8
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Old 07-15-2014, 05:52 PM
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Hope is the dream of the waking man.
Aristotle

For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease.
Job 14:6-8
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Old 07-15-2014, 05:54 PM
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Hope is the dream of the waking man.
Aristotle

For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease.
Job 14:6-8
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Old 07-15-2014, 06:37 PM
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Default Light bulb joke warehaus

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
A2: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in
the dark.

Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the
state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to
allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800'
number to order an American light bulb.


Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they all just quit and go home!

Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is
actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates
can't even spell "lightbulbe", eighteen to find out what the other
candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find
out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs,
pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.



Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
A: None, they only screw the poor.
A: Three. One to call the electrician, one to call the accountant for the tax write-off, and one to mix the drinks.

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
A: 501. One to screw in the bulb, and 500 to protest the coal mine that generated the electricity.

How many Chicago politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nine. One to do take the Fifth, Four to bear false witness and provide and alibi for plausible denial, and Four to prepare legal brief rebuttals for the grand jury.


Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: 15-One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone
hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense
examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it
proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the
bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the
room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one
to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.


Q: How many senior Presidential Aides does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: None. They're supposed to keep the President in the dark.
A: One: to award a billion dollar sole-source contract with Halliburton to replace it.
A: thirty-eight: One to say that no one could have foreseen the bulb's
burning out, one to spin stories for newspapers that the President's
bulb-changing program is working well, and thirty-five to go out on talk
shows to accuse the Democrats/Republicans of being weak on light, and one to deny rumors that it's still dark in there.


Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests
of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature.
Next question, please.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it
a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in
a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of
nothingness.

Q: How many Orthodox Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic:
A: None. Candles only.
B: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three
committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad
and fried chicken.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring
bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review
church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Amish: What's a light bulb?


Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of 'real men' around to do it.
Q: How many 'Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None: 'Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark (guess the women are screwed).


How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that's the proletariat's work!
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
production!


Q: How many American Imperialist Pigs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to put in the bulb, and two to search through the cartons of
inferior American produced light bulbs for one that isn't defective.


Q: How many Eastern European (or American) bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while
the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A: Five - one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the
Environmental Impact Statement.
A: One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb,
a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order
a receiving clerk to receive the bulb....
A: Seven-- one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be
shut off, one to make sure that safety and quality standards are
maintained, one to monitor compliance with local, state, and federal
regulations, one to manage personnel relations, one to fill out the
paperwork and one to screw the light bulb into the water faucet.
A: Two - one to screw it in and one to screw it up.
A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally
finishes screwing it up.
A: None, we contract out for things like that.



Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!


Q: How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It's no use trying to CHANGE it, it's got to be SMASHED !!!


Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.


Q: How many U.S. Generals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.

Q: How many British navy Officers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him seven weeks to get there.



Q: how many vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!!!!!

Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "Fight Darkness!"

Q: How many Mafia hitmen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to watch, and one to shoot the witness.

Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to remove the bulb from the socket and take it away, without
checking whether or not there was actually anything wrong with it, one to
accuse its owners of mistreating it, one to find somewhere else to screw it
in for the next 6 months, and one to eventually bring it back and say it
was all done with the lightbulb's best interests at heart.
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because it's been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.



Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
A: None, it's a waste of time because the new bulb probably won't work either.

Q: How many optimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they're convinced that the power will come back on soon.
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Hope is the dream of the waking man.
Aristotle

For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease.
Job 14:6-8
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