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Off-Topic, Bizarre, Jokes & Games Discuss In Box Jokes.... :-) at the General Discussion; And again I find another one in my e-mail.. This one I love... Go grandma. Subject: OUCH A little old ...

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Old 10-27-2011, 12:21 PM
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Default In Box Jokes.... :-)

And again I find another one in my e-mail.. This one I love... Go grandma.

Quote:

Subject: OUCH


A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."


"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
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Old 10-27-2011, 12:27 PM
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Default Re: In Box Jokes.... :-)

And another...

Quote:
The Charlie Schulz Philosophy

This is marvelous!! Scroll thru slowly and read carefully to receive and enjoy full effect.




The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip.

You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just ponder on them.
Just read the e-mail straight through and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.





How did you do?


The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers.
They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies.
Awards tarnish.
Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.



Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special!!
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.




Easier?

The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials...the most money...or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most.


Pass this on to those people who have either made a difference in your life, or whom you keep close in your heart, like I did.

'Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It's already tomorrow in Australia!
'


Be Yourself. Everyone Else Is Taken!
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Old 10-27-2011, 12:44 PM
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Default Re: In Box Jokes.... :-)

Might as well add pictures to this thread to. In China they are building a walkway in the steep mountains to view the vally & city below.






















Looking at the finnished product one would never know the risks to complete it.
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Old 11-01-2011, 01:23 PM
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Default Re: In Box Jokes.... :-)

the pictures above still amaze me. But this makes me LOL.

Quote:
What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms... Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms.. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.


Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed to take the test.


Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'


Harry:'9.'


Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry: 'Pants.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.


Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: Fire truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,

'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
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Old 11-12-2011, 11:42 AM
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Default Re: In Box Jokes.... :-)

Hey enjoy it or not.

Quote:
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURTDOCKET12659 --- A lady about 8 months pregnant got on
a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:32 PM
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Default Re: In Box Jokes.... :-)

this got buried fast... So you don't like my inbox jokes, to bad. I do and so do my few friends.

Now ladies take no offense over this one.

Quote:
The Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says ... "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a "Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit" ~~ a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint, and a shovel."

Mario asks .... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies ..... "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night,you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says ... 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen,"ya hit her with the shovel."
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Old 11-22-2011, 11:38 PM
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Default Re: In Box Jokes.... :-)

Quote:
Originally Posted by mlurp View Post
this got buried fast... So you don't like my inbox jokes, to bad. I do and so do my few friends.

Now ladies take no offense over this one.
I like them, keep 'em coming.
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Old 11-23-2011, 11:19 AM
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Default Re: In Box Jokes.... :-)

Can a pig pull a hamstring?


.
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Old 11-23-2011, 01:37 PM
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Default Re: In Box Jokes.... :-)

Quote:
Originally Posted by AK Gandy View Post
Can a pig pull a hamstring?


.
Very if I knew what it meant AK... Really I don't get it.

Ok maybe I do get it...
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Old 12-01-2011, 10:44 AM
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Default Re: In Box Jokes.... :-)

I got two people who feed this stuff to me and others, I hope each who read this enjoy it as I do.

Quote:
................................ Ahh priorities!

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of
"cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means
that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do
with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be
five fewer people laughing in the world.
Now for 5 hits... And I did my part
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